Why is that every time I think things have made a turn for the better, reality kicks me in the teeth? Damnation!
Long story short, scary things are going on:
~ Boyfriend's business is almost making no money, so he can't pay his bills. He hasn't paid his March rent yet and doesn't know when he will be able to. He's barely getting by on unemployment. I can only do so much to help feed him. I feel helpless, useless, and worthless because I can't do anything other than watch him drown.
~ Because my mental health recovery is going relatively well, I barely qualify to stay living where I am. If they kick me out before I get a job, I'm screwed (my SSD isn't enough to live on unless I get an apartment in an area of the city where I'll be too scared to go home). I'm looking into another program through the same agency that has a rent subsidy, but there are people that have been in my current program for a whole lot more years than me that they're trying to get into that program first. Seems I need to relapse in order to not be homeless. Not that it's the route I want to go, but I'm so stressed out, who knows?
~ I want to work; I really, really do. Every time I think a lot about going back to work, I have nightmares about it (as in being back in the workforce and ending up in a pile of tears and probably breaking down again, though I wake up before the impending breakdown gets a chance to happen). I haven't had a real job since mid-2007 when I had my breakdown (insert self-hating remark here).
~ Apparently I can't forbear my student loans anymore. I thought maybe I could (wasn't sure since I lost track of how much time I had used up), but I applied for another year and got a month. My loans are technically in repayment now and I wouldn't have known if I didn't check my online profile on my consolidator's web site yesterday. Thanks for telling me AES! Not that I could magically repay you anything right now anyway since my housing program gets 85% of my monthly income. I'm applying for a deferral (I think I still have 2 years that I can do that). My student loan consolidator doesn't give a crap that I've been on SSD since 2008. Their standard of disability (and thus inability to work and pay back loans) is stricter than the government's standards of awarding me disability. Their standard of disability discharge is the inability to ever work a single hour for the rest of my life; I can't prove that, so no go on loan discharge.
All of that crap outweighs the fact that my bankruptcy became officially discharged last week. Oh, how I wish student loans were included in that! Apparently my non-student loan debt was smaller than I thought it was (one account showed up twice because it was sold a million times, but the amounts were slightly different so at first I didn't make the connection they they were one and the same). So, the discharged amount was somewhere in the neighborhood of $25,000. Too bad that my student loan debt is now $54,000+.
Why did I even go to college? I have 2 degrees and all they're doing is sitting on my shelf in frames looking pretty. I can count on one hand the number of people from college that still take to me (pretty sad since I went to 2 colleges).